"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?" "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare. 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) ...now touch these wires to your tongue! .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn] 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. :-) :-> ;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" Mr.Rourke <-------- The information went data way --------> A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A day without sunshine is like, night. A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. A fool and his money are soon partying. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. -Johnson A waist is a terrible thing to mind A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. After five years of playing football, they gave me a college degree. -Forrest Gump Ah, hell, lets just admit we're all pythopaths... Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. All computers wait at the same speed. All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford Always try to be modest. And be proud of it! An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. An optimist is a person who doesn't understand enormity of the problem. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec Anything free is worth what you pay for it Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Atheism is a non-prophet organization Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran). Avoid unnecessary branches. BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. Geddi-up busy!!! BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic? Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure? Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk! Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Be grateful to me; I could have been a bigger pain. -Praneeth Reddy. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo! Brain fried; core dumped. Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Choose variable names that will not be confused. Clones are people, two Close your eyes and press escape three times. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Compiler: A marketing name for a Compost Generator Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer hackers do it all night long. Computer modelers simulate it first. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are only human. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. Dain bramaged. Death is a nonmaskable interrupt. Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. Department of Redundancy Department Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Design: The activity of preparing for a design review. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. Do witches run spell checkers? Do you like me for my brain or my baud? Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?" Does fuzzy logic tickle? Does it take 500,0000 parapsychologists to treat one megalomaniac? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out. Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. Don't stop at one bug. Don't take life so seriously; you'll never get out of it alive. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. Dying is a part of life. I wish it wasn't. -- Forrest Gump Dyslexics have more fnu E Pluribus Modem E Pluribus UNIX. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Editing is a rewording activity Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Entropy isn't what it used to be Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Error: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue... Eschew obfuscation Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every bug you find is the last one. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals." Everyone is entitled to my opinion Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. For a nice date : Call strftime(3C) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. For people who like peace and quiet a phoneless cord. For sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small stain. -From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! God is real, unless declared integer. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Good programming is 1% sweat and 99% coffee. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs Hackers have kernel knowledge. Half the people you know are below average. Hard work has future payoffs. Laziness pays off now. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. He who hesitates is probably right. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil....86............Windows....95 Hit any user to continue. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Honk if you love peace and quiet. Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do I set my laser printer on stun? How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands... How many ways can I Code Thee ? Let me count the ways. -Japh | -JaPyH How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am an escapee of a political correction facility. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov I don't get even, I get odder. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. I hate when they fix a bug that I use I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I just found the last bug. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I know what I am doing. I program for living. I lost 55 kgs last week. My girlfriend left me. I modem, but they grew back. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I smell a wumpus. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving. I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. IRS - Be audit you can be! If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery. Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? Insanity is my only means of relaxation. In /dev/null no one can hear you scream In God we trust; all else we walk through. In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis Indecision is the key to flexibility. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? It hurts to be on the cutting edge. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949 It works better if you plug it in. It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are? It's all about Bits, Bytes, Birds, Bollocks and Booze. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Know Thy User. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Last one out, turn off the computer! Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Life is wonderful. Without it, we'd all be dead. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Linux, Win95 and WinNT -- also known as The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Machine independent code isn't. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Man trapped in whore house get jerked around. Managing programmers is like herding cats. Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. Memory dump: Amnesia... Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Microsoft is not THE answer. It's the Question...and the Answer is "NO!!" Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My computer NEVER cras My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. My reality check just bounced My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. New: It comes in different colors from the previous version. Nice computers don't go down. No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham No line available at 300 baud. No one is listening until you make a mistake. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Objects are closer than they appear. Old mail has arrived. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning On the eighth day, God started debugging. On the other hand, you have different fingers. One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive cleansers. People who make Confucious joke speak bad English. Performance is easier to add than clarity. Performance proven: It works through beta test. Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It's the only life you have. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Plan: Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. Portable: Survives system reboot. Press --[DEL: to continue ... Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Programmers do it bit by bit. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Put rooster in freezer to get stiff cock. Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe...... REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art Read my chips: No new upgrades! Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE Real programs don't eat cache. Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS! Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round. Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails. Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~ Spellchecker not found. Press --[DEL: to continue ... Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have. Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip! Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. Swap read error. You lose your mind. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Terminal glare: A look that kills... That does not compute. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The beatings will continue until morale improves. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 The buck doesn't even slow down here. The code's the best documentation. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The job's nice, but it interferes with my life. The less time planning, the more time programming. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The name is Baud......, James Baud. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The road to to success is always under construction. The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources - Albert Einstein The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. The software said it requires Win95 or better, so I installed Linux. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs The wise person writes bomb-proof code. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. This time it will surely run. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Thrashing is just virtual crashing. Three days without programming and life becomes meaningless Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Time's fun when you are having flies - Kermit the Frog. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To err is human, it takes a computer to really *.*-up. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Today's subliminal thought is: 'Calm down it's only ones and zeros.' Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. Two rules to sucess in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use free-form input where possible. User: A harmless drudge. Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone! Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD! WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... Wanna be a guru ? READ the README's War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? Watch out for off-by-one errors. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then the things get worse. We do precision guesswork. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call a gay dinosaur ? Megasoreass. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. What if there were no hypothetical questions? What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What is charred, gives off smoke and hangs from the ceiling? A stupid electrician. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. --Goethe When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Where there is a will, there is a lawsuit. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Windows: Just another pane in the glass. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. YTERM - A terminal program for queries. Years of development: We finally got one to work. You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. You can't make a program without broken egos. You depend too much on computers for information. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail. You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You might have mail. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (OR GOLF!) Your fault, core dumped. Your password is pitifully obvious. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. fortune: No such file or directory grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How did a fool and his money get together? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship styrofoam? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? What was the best thing before sliced bread? "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why is the word abbreviation so long? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we`ve solved it. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic E-mail - When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed of light. Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol. AIDS: Anaal Ingespoten Dood Straf When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matterhow long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese throw hot dogs ? How do you know when you run out of invisible ink ? If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. The death rate on earth is: one per person. Drug: a substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper If the population of China walked in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere ... Perfection is a moving target, that humans never hit... Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Talent does what it can, genius does what it must. Black holes are where God divided by zero. We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. No one can earn a million dollars honestly. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. Behind every great fortune there is a crime. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. The cynics are right nine times out of ten. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? A poem is never finished, only abandoned. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. Retirement: "Time to step aside for a less experienced and less able man." A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants. I am not an economist. I am an honest man! I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies. I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. Computer : a million morons working at the speed of light. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on Usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet. If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. Don't steal: The government hates competition. Notice in a hotel room: Please do not smoke in bed, as the ashes we find in the morning may well be yours. The secret to success is to fall from failure into failure with great enthusiasm. Time is money: I've lost millions here. Imagination is more important than knowledge. A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows! All computers wait at the same speed. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken! All you need to know is the user interface. Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any program that runs right is obsolete. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? A program is never finished until the programmer dies. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user. A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]? Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster. Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version. COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Computers can never replace human stupidity. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computers follow your orders, not your intentions. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something! DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... Every bug you find is the last one. Every time I type 'win', I loose ... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software. .....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me! Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows..95.... Hit any user to continue. Home is where the computer is plugged in. How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit. It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature. It works! Now if only I could remember what I did... I wish life has a scroll back buffer. Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer. Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue. MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x] Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]? MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!" No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine? One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am. Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered! Oxymoron: Microsoft Works. Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.... Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time. RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Speed Kills! Use Windows 95. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. The box said: Win95 or better required...so I installed Linux. The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The name is Baud......, James Baud. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple. These settings will have no effect until you restart the system. Reset Universe (Y/N) ? Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. User error: replace user and press any key to continue. Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue. What boots up must come down. Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right? Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance? Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something. WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology. You are making progress if each mistake is a new one. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing. It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel. Distilled waters run deep Fine feathers make fine feather-beds. A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure. People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark. Don't put all your eggs in one basket--try an incubator. All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One. Out of fight, out of coin.--The Pugilist's Plaint. Out of sight, only in mind.--'Ballad of the Blind Beggar.' A word to the wise is useless. It's never too late to spend. A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet. As ye sew, so shall ye rip. Money makes the mayor go.--Proverbs of Politics. There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel. Where there's a will there's a lawsuit. Home is where the mortgage is. Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.--Stage-Door Secrets. After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile. And every meal's a supper to the Hobo. Lies have no legs--That's why we all have to stand for them. A chip of the old block--A daughter of the Tenderloin. One man's meat is another man's finish--Canned Beef in Cuba. Laugh-in-one's-sleeve--The direct route to the Funny-Bone. Two heads are better than one--particularly on a Barrel of Money. Hell is paved with good intentions--also asbestos. A fool and his wife are soon parted. Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a woman of thirty. Why is abbreviation such a long word? What's another word for thesaurus? Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights. AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes. Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. It would take too long to explain, REALLY MEANS, I have no idea how it works. I'm getting more exercise lately,REALLY MEANS,batteries in the remote are dead. "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?" "You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake." Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"? Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 ppl make up 75% of the world's population. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Light travels faster than sound.Some people appear bright until you hear them. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?... They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If u r driving with the speed of light,what happens when u turn on headlights? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all married men are unfortunate. Some are widowers. Chaos, panic, & disorder - you'll either become a politician or a programmer. Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory. It is bad luck to be superstitious. Bus stops at a bus-station, train stops at a train-station.On my desk, I have a work station... I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked somethine. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. ...every morning is the dawn of a new error. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Access denied--nah nani na nah nah! Does fuzzy logic tickle? All computers wait at the same speed. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Many a man owes his success to his first wife & his second wife to his success. Bachelor : A man who never makes the same mistake once. Bachelor : The only kind of man who has never told his wife a lie. The older I get, the better I was. You can't buy happiness....but you CAN lease it. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. If our country believes in free speech, why do we have phone bills? The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. As I said before, I never repeat myself... Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? People in cars cause accidents....Accidents in cars cause people. Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to a government office. Best file compression around: "rm -rf *" = 100% compression Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... All generalizations in general are false. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. It works better if you plug it in. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. When all else fails, read the instructions. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful. I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left. A good listener is not only populare, but after a while he knows something. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. Multitasking = screwing up several things at once. Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent. Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor. 'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy. We do precision guesswork. Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete. Double your drive space...Delete Windows95. Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type "WIN" at the prompt. Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy. Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt. Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something! Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house. Another name for a Windows tutorial is crash course! I'm not a programmer, but I play one at Microsoft. A)bort R)etry I)nstallLinux? My favorite type of girl was always one that would go out with me.........Twice. My doctor charges so much, when he gets sick, he can't afford himself. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are more than enough! No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening... Living on Earth is expensive,but it includes annual free trip around the Sun... Your future depends on your dreams... So go to sleep ! ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY... So what ? Who's in a hurry ? Work fascinates me... I can look at it for hours ! A Sardar parked his car in front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting... Divorce has become so common,my wife & I are staying married to be different. Best book a woman likes...Her husband's checkbook. R u sure u luv me and no one else? Ya!I checked the whole list again yesterday. Waiter: Would u like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? My father is so old, when he was in school, history was called current affairs. Do you say prayers before eating? No, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. What do u want for ur b'day? Not much, Just a radio with a sports car around it. U know,wife,our son got his brain from me.Wife:Yes,I've still got mine with me! My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Before we met. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. When a man steals your wife,there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two gfs. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. BEFORE Love- You take my breath away. AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating. BEFORE Love-It's like I'm living in a dream. AFTER-It's like he lives in a dorm. BEFORE Love-We agree on everything. AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? BEFORE Love- Charming and Noble. AFTER - Chernobyl. BEFORE Love- Idol. AFTER - Idle. BEFORE Love- I love a woman with curves. AFTER - I never said you were fat. BEFORE Love-He's fully lost without me.AFTER-Why won't he ask for directions? BEFORE Love- Time stood still. AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere. BEFORE Love-You look so seductive in black. AFTER-Your clothes r so depressing. BEFORE Love- Passion. AFTER - Ration. Success is only a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Two kinds of failures.Those who think & never do,and those who do & never think. I've nothing new to offer this world.Truth and non-violence are as old as hills. What is easy is seldom excellent. Be brave. Man dies only once. The only thing that you should fear is fear itself. Old accountants never die. They just loose their balance. You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets the credit. When all is said and done, more has been said than done. When everything else is lost, the future still remains. You must know what you do not know. The watch in this company would never be stolen. So many people are watching it. Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is. You won't win if you don't begin. Enthusiasm is contagious. Exude it. Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war. Aim for the moon. If you fall you'll be among the stars. The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave. All arguments have two sides, but no ends. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything. Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age. Promise only what you can do. And then deliver more than what you promised. Take interest in future. That's where you have to spend rest of your life. A yawn may be bad manners, but it is an honest opinion. It is nice to be important. But it is important to be nice. You won't get a second chance to make the first impression. Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes. Old friends are like old shoes. Comfortable. The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it. Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution. If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks. Your tongue is a wet place and it is liable to slip. The supply of capable people never meets the demand. Insist on a round table. There is no dispute about place. Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it. Telephone is the most effective time saver and the biggest time waster. Murphy's law : If there's a worse time for sth to go wrong,it will happen then. Murphy's law : If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's law : Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's law : If everything seems to be going well,u've overlooked something. Murphy's law : Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphy was an Optimist. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics : Things get worse under pressure. The Murphy law of Philosophy : Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws : Everything goes wrong all at once. Murphy's Constant : Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. When working toward the solution of a prob,it always helps if you no the answer. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Every solution breeds new problems. ChanceOfButteredSideOfBreadFallingFaceDownIsDirectlyProportionalToCostOfCarpet. A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage. If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for repairman, it will work perfectly. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. No good deed goes unpunished. The moment you manage to master a s/w, its new version appears in the market. Anything dropped in the bathroom will fall in the toilet. Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect; Whatever you do will always come back. Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again. Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone. The worst golf shots occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress. Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten. The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks. Murphy's Last Law : A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. Chaos always wins, because it's better organized. Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else. If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come... If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you ever tried. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. Brains * Beauty * Availability = Constant. Amt of luv (s)he feels 4 u is inversely proportional to how much u luv him/her. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. This web page was designed by Naga Satish. E-Mail: satish@cse.iitb.ac.in